Hard Times. Tie the knot.

I've had it with the world. Another winter has gone by and no one's got married. No one I know, I mean. My friends are going to wedding receptions right and left. The household help has attended two already. My parents get invited to weddings when colleagues or friends of colleagues get married, only I'm not allowed to go because:

A) Only my mother/father/mother and father were invited, and since it's an official thing no one's taking their kids.

B) My mother/father/mother and father do not want to look old and wrinkled under the arclights when peers and equals are getting married, and taking a college-going daughter along won't really help that image. This is the real reason underlying reason A, but catch them admitting it.

As far as reason A is concerned, I'm not really swallowing it because it's impossible that there will be no kids at a wedding reception. Who's going to eat the ice-cream? Who's going to stand witness to random strangers telling them they've become really big, and that they peed into the arms of the aforementioned random strangers when they were really little (the kids, not the strangers)?

Reason B is the real deal, and I have nothing to say about it. I do not approve of hogging the limelight by depriving young innocents (yes, I count as one of those. What?), but then the Mater and the Pater obviously weren't thinking of that when they married early. It's very unfair that I have to foot the consequences.

It's not that I'm all that gaga over weddings, either. It's just the food. Who else goes for weddings, anyway? You're only expected to show up to pose for photographs and exclaim at the bride's jewellery and the groom's impeccable choice (of bride, naturally), and then you go eat. My favourite part is the fish. I'm not much of a fish eater, but fish at wedding receptions is different. Fish kobiraji. Fish butter fry. Fish Orly. Fish (insert fancy name). Fish paturi. And fish fry. No fish fry tastes like biyebaari fish fry.

Gah. Bah. Pah.

For effect, tchah.

It's been ages since I got to go for a wedding reception. Months. Years, in fact. I have this sudden craving for biyebaari fish that no amount of buying food at normal shops will satiate. Which is why I'm writing this. I cannot get married because I have no one to get married to, and besides, you don't get to enjoy the food at your own wedding. So please get married, whoever you are? Provided you're legally of age and everything. I don't even know whether I'm pro-marriage or not. Just do me a favour and tie the knot, whether you know me personally or not doesn't matter. And send me an invitation. I promise to come. I promise to bring orchids and I promise to wear pink silk and flashy jewellery, and I promise to buy you whatever it is that it is fashionable to buy as a wedding present nowadays. Bombay Dyeing Deluxe bedsheets, silver trays, the works. Just make sure there's fish fry on the menu?

I'll even tell you your partner's dreadfully goodlooking. And sincerely at that. Anything for the fish.


P.S. How come I don't have any marriageable relatives? You'd think the older generation on the family tree would take productivity and babymaking more seriously. If you're a family member and reading this, you are responsible for me having incomplete winters. Yes, you. Now go tell your progeny to settle down quickly.